What's that about? Tell me.
Because, you know, at the end of the day, you can say something
and then it doesn't mean that you can't ever change your mind.
It's not me that's changing my mind, it's you that's changing your mind.
Fine! But what's wrong with that? Yeah, I feel sorry for Dawn and Lee
If they have to call off the wedding...
then, you know, sure it'll be upsetting now,
but in the end, it's for the best.
The thing about long-term marriage
is that, inevitably, the sex suffers.
You constantly have to find new and erotic ways
of spicing things up in the bedroom.
It's a gift and training.
I mean, you can either... it's like I was always good at it before I was trained in it,
but now I'm trained I'm better than people who weren't good before.
Today's our staff training.
I do a couple a year.
This is Rowan, our facilitator for the day.
It's good to get in an outsider now and again.
It keeps 'em sort of interested, you know.
And it's what I trained in. I've an MBA from Bradford.
I'm trained in it as well. I could have done this myself.
But let me tell you about what today is all about.
- I can do that... - well, it's my... thing.
It's about customer care, really.
Investment in people - I.e. The staff.
Letting them know they are our most important commodity,
and if they've got a problem, it's my problem...
er...
it's like if you're cleaning a floor and you're up against it,
then come to me and I'll help us clean our floor together.
So...
not literally.
See you in there.
I'm really sorry.
Things will be ok between you and Lee, you know,
because you and Lee are going to be together, and he knows that,
and if he doesn't appreciate that, then he's mad.
If he doesn't appreciate it, I'll marry you!
Hello. You're through to Keith.
I will be at training all day today.
Please call me or leave a message and I will call you tomorrow.
- You're so lovely. - No I'm not lovely.
- You are. - No, you are.
- I'm snotty. - You're snotty and lovely.
I'd marry your snot.
- Boys... - all right, mate.
- What's going on? - Nothing. It's fine.
You're upset. About Lee, is it?
Hey, don't worry, all right?
Coz' you know Monkey Alan down in the warehouse, he fancies you even if no one else does.
What was that?
Just can't say anything when they're like that can you?
No, you can't. You can't. You can't. I was doing ok.
What were you doing with the Monkey Alan business?
Well, he fancies her. I'm just saying.
She didn't need to know that, mate. It's Monkey Alan. Do you know what I mean? Even the name...
I don't know who Monkey Alan is. You know what? I'm betting that Monkey Alan...
- He's the a little bloke. - No I don't need to know. No it's not...
Go away, please.
Go over there.
My name's Rowan, and I'm going to be leading us through today's sessions.
Under me.
Well ss David says, actually he has briefed me and says that
a lot of what we're covering I think you'll be familiar with,
but it's not necassarily a bad idea to recap anyway,
and I hope a few new ideas will be sort of thrown into the pan as well.
We're going to start by watching a video - it's a nice gentle start.
It's a bit cheesy and a bit '80s,
but I think a lot of the ideas are still pretty valid. Ok?
A good idea is a good idea forever.
Yeah. Ok.
Philosophy.
"Hi."
"What's the single most important thing to your business?"
- Staff. - "That's right. The customer."
Coming at a different angle.
"These are your profits for this year."
"And this is what you're doing to those profits...
if you underestimate the value of customer care."
That's not real money.
- Do you know why? - Coz' he'd be mad to burn it.
No. Coz' it's illegal to destroy or burn anything
containing the queen's image of the realm..
- Can we just watch the video? - ..on it. Yeah. That's true.
"Statistics show that if you're treated well as a customer,
you'll tell five people."
"If you're treated badly, you'll tell nine."
- So can you set fire to a postage stamp? - No.
In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender.
A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.
- Yeah. That'd happen! - Well if he doesn't, report him.
Yeah I'll report him when I'm walking home.
Get a taxi if you've got enough stamps.
- Cash them at a post office. - Shouldn't have to.
Shouldn't have to.
"Here's a typical office."
"Oh Yeah? Yeah. Awful, isn't it?"
"Oh Yeah? Oh Really? You know when I said to him.."
"Excuse me. I'm in a hurry."
"I'm on the phone. God, aren't people rude?"
"I must tell you about George. It all started about a year ago..."
"Well done. That customer won't be bothering you again."
"Ever."
"Let's see what should have happened."
"Oh Yeah. Yeah. Awful, isn't it?"
"Oh Yeah? Oh Really? You know when I said to him.."
"Oh I'm sorry, sir. I'll be with you in a moment."
"Sorry, Jean. I'm gonna have to go. I've a customer."
"I'll call you back at a more convenient time."
"All she had to do was acknowledge the customer's presence
and end her personal call as quickly as possible."
"This is what we call the customer care tree..."
"Your prescription will be ready on friday, madam."
"Fine. See you tuesday."
"So if you've put together a crack team,
don't let your business get taken hostage by complacency."
"Make your motto "who cares, wins"."
"Hey, I know you. Can I have your autograph?"
"Oh of course you can."
Thank you, Mr. Noakes.
Very good. Very good.
Ok, then. Right. That's that. What we're gonna...
John Noakes.
Yeah. They worked together on "Blue Peter". That's what the refference was.
- Can I...? - She was short-sighted... yeah.
Ok. Right. Well, you've all seen the video.
Now it's time for the dreaded role play.
We'll kick off with your leader, David Brent.
David, if you'd like to come up here. Round of applause for David.
No, no, no.
I'm cheating really. I have done this before.
Oh Good. That should make it a lot easier for us.
- Ok. Well, nice and simple to start with. - Hard as you like.
Well, let's just kick off with something easy. Ok.
I want us to play out a scenario that highlights customer care.
- Ok. - All of you have to deal with people...
- all the time. - And it's always possible to improve your people skills.
In this scenario... we'll start with something nice and easy.
I'm gonna play...and this will be the wrong way to do it!
I'm going to play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care...
If it's a Basil Fawlty type character, then maybe I should do it just for the comedy.
Yeah well let me just play it just now just to kick things off, ok?
I'll probably bring some of it into this role anyway, so..
Right. You've got a complaint.
Come and complain and I'll show you the wrong way to handle it. This'll be the wrong way.
Ok. So off we go.
- Sorry. What's the complaint? - Just make it up.
Anything. Because there's no right or wrong thing in this scenario.
Then we'll tell you the right thing afterwards, so
we might as well...get on with it. Yea!
- You complain. - Right.
- Ok. I'd like to make a complaint please. - Don't care.
- Well, I am staying in the hotel... - I dont care. It's not my shift.
Well you're an ambassador for the hotel.
- I don't care. - I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is.
I think there's been a rape up there!
I got his attention. Get their attention. Ok?
- Right. Some interesting points... - Very interesting points.
It's not quite the point I was trying to make, David.
Different points to be made.
- I'm more into, really, customer care. - So am I.
- And the way we that we would deal with somebody... - I fazed you.
Maybe I should, as I thought, I should play the hotel manager as I'm used to it.
I fazed you. You have a go. See if you can faze me. Ok?
Yeah. All right.
- Hello. I wish to make a complaint. - Not interested.
- My room is an absolute disgrace. - Don't care.
- The bathroom's doesn't appear to have been cleaned... - What room are you in?
- 362. - There is no 362 in this hotel.
Sometimes the complaints will be false.
Ok? Good.
Today is really about all of you getting to know and trust each other.
So before the next excercise what I want us to do is just spend a few minutes with...
Sorry. Can I have a quick word with Dawn?
Dawn?
What I want us to do is for everyone to tell me their name
and their ultimate dream - their ultimate fantasy in life.
I'll kick things off. My name's Rowan,
and my dream is that I would love to have my own island.
David.
It depends what you mean by ultimate fantasy
because time travel's actually impossible...
just interpret it any way you like.
Yeah. If you're talking about anything that could
or could not be possible, actually, you know.
Anything that could be conceived of to happen or not,
within my realm, you know...
then probably some sort of everlasting life, you know.
I don't mean in sort of just a spiritual, sort of religious sense,
but i mean, to actually to experience the future
and live, you know, on and on...
and on, you know, and know what it's like to live forever.
I think I'm starting to know what that's like.
- I'm saying... - No, hang on. No, hang on.
- You always have your say. - When do I always have my say?!
I've been engaged to Lee for um...
god! ...about three years.
He proposed on a valentine's day.
He didn't do it face to face.
He did it in one of the little valentine's message bits in the paper.
Um...
I think he had to pay for it by the word because it just said,
"Lee love Dawn. Marriage. Question mark."
Which, you know, I like.
Coz, it's not often you get something that's both romantic and thrifty.
And don't phone my mum again!
- Dawn, do you want...? - Don't.
Ok.
Um...
Gareth, a quick trust exercise. Ultimate fantasy?
- Hmm? - We're doing the ultimate fantasy. We're all doing it.
Two lesbians, probably. Sisters. I'm just watching.
Ok. Um...
Tim? Do you have one?
I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?
Ok. Well, this next exercise is all about...
motivation.
And that's going to be a key word today - motivation.
So uh... Keith?
What would you say was your motivation for working here?
- Being part of a team, I thought. - Just let him answer.
No I'm saying, probably what he'll say if you ask him.
Well I am asking him and I'd really like him to answer.
Do you want to answer him?
This job's just a stop-gap, really.
The job's not difficult. I don't take my work home with me.
- It's pretty brainless. - At your level maybe but..
But, ultimately, I want to play music, write music, and uh, play in a band.
Good luck! Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Next!
- You were in a band? Like a rock band? - Yeah.
- What were you called? - Foregone Conclusion.
Look, David I'm not absolutely sure this is really the right time...
- I've got to field the questions. - David.
- What did you do in the group? - Singer-songwriter.
Lyrics man, mainly, but you know, the music came easy as well, so...
Ok. Right. So, are there any more questions for David?
- No? Good. - You didn't give them a chance.
- Did you want to say something? - Were you successful?
Were we successful? I'll let you be the judge of that
when I tell you that we were once supported
by a little-known scottish outfit called Texas.
Yea and I get all this, "oh, David, you know you're a brilliant singer-songwriter.
"You're stuck in Slough while it's Texas that are off, you know, making all the money,
"and they're rubbish compared to you."
And I go, "don't slag them off."
I say, "I've been there, I've done that. That's behind me."
And I respect...
the thing is, we're both good in our own fields.
I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants.
I couldn't do what...
actually, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that even back then.
Probably what spurred 'em on.
I wrote this. I only play songs I've written myself.
He went home to get it.
#A spaceman came down to answer some things
#the world gathered round from paupers to kings
#I'll answer your questions, I'll answer them true
#I'll show you the way, you know what to do
#who is wrong and who is right?
# Yellow, brown, black or white
# the spaceman he answered, you no longer mind
# I've opened your eyes, you're now colour-blind... #
Racial. So...
# she's the serpent who guards the gates of hell... #
Good stuff.
# Pretty girl on the hood of a cadillac, yeah
# she's broken down on freeway nine
# take a look at her engine, start it and
# gave a purr and then I rolled on by, bye bye
# free love on the free love freeway
everybody
# love is free and the freeway's long
# I've got some hot love on the hot love highway
# I ain't going home 'cause my baby's gone
- She's dead. - She's not dead.
# Long time later, see a cowboy crying
# I says, hey buddy, what can I do?
# He says, I lived a good life, had about a thousand women
# I said, why the tears?
# He says, 'cause none of them was you... #
- What, you? - No. He's looking at a photograph.
- Of you? - No. Of his girlfriend.
- The video would show it. - Sorry.
- He sounds a bit gay. - It's not gay.
# Free love on the free love freeway
# where love is free and the freeway's long
# I got some hot love on the hot love highway...
# going home 'cause my baby's gone
# free love on the free love freeway
# love is free and the freeway's long
# I got some hot love on the hot love highway
# going home 'cause my baby's gone, she's gone, yeah
# my baby's gone, she's gone, yeah
# gone away, she's gone, she's gone, yeah
# she's just gone away.
# She's gone! #
That's brilliant, David. Really good.
I'm trying to think of other ones.
- Right. That's lunch. - Ok.
What, in the name of jumping jehosaphat, was that song about?
I mean, what was that about?
What's he doing? What's he doing? What's Warren doing telling people to say please?
If they don't know, I'm sorry they don't deserve a job. After you.
Thank you.
- You all right then? - Yes, thank you.
Good.
Are you ok?
Forget all about him. He's not worth it.
I go through this sort of thing all the time.
Although it's usually me who dumps them.
Well he didn't..No one dumped anyone. It was just an argument.
You should come out with me. I'll find you a new bloke.
It was just an argument.
Well, I'm just saying.
Thanks. That's nice.
You ok?
- Yeah. - Sit down.
Now, I don't want to pry,
but I mean, I am aware of your personal problem,
and I wouldn't be the boss or the man that I am
if I didn't lend, you know, some words of encouragement.
This is something I wrote. I hope it helps.
# Rose, you never used your thorns
# the ones you loved abandoned you
# your angel face made hearts so warm
# you helped the sick, but who helped you?
# Then rushing through the Paris night
# they hounded you, you lost control
# we prayed that you would be all right
# the news came through, your body cold
# goodnight, my sweet princess... #
Is that originally about Princess Diana?
Originally. But it fits perfectly, doesn't it?
Not the car crash bit.
Well...
your relationship with Lee is a bit like a car crash.
In Paris?
City of love.
You're right. It fits perfectly. Thank you.
# Every breath you take
# every move you make, yeah... #
Being dumped is the perfect excuse to do all the things you ever wanted to do.
I wasn't dumped. And, actually, I have been thinking of leaving.
How long have you been thinking of leaving?
- Who's leaving? - I am.
Well, that's just stupid. You've got a job here for life.
Yeah. Actually I don't want to spend my life answering phones
in some crappy sub-branch paper merchants.
Dawn, work hard you could be answering those phones in head office
or a better paper merchants.
Gareth, she dont want to waste her life in paper.
Not a waste, actually, not a waste.
Look at Jeff Lamp. 42 years old, he's got his own porsche. That's from paper.
How long you been thinking about leaving?
And are you going to lay down any of those tracks?
Well, I've got a lot on one demo from the band days,
but you know they're about ten years old, so if I were to send them out,
I'd have to pretty much lay down some drum and bass shit on 'em.
Like sample and shit.
And if you get back to the road, are you going to need any help with that?
- Look, I'm sorry to... - Hold on mate. What you saying?
You know, are you going to need a manager?
Well, I'll probably manage myself, you know.
I could be your assistant manager.
You could be assistant to the manager. Hold on, man. Shoot.
- We've got a lot to get through and no one's back. - Yep! I'm hearing ya!
Do you want to go and get them over because Rowan wants to crack on with this.
- Do you want me to discipline them? - Nah! Just get them over.
Imagine him in a band. Bald old git.
The glasses would be stupid, so...
what's the vibe in the second half?
'Cause...
Yeah. Not always for this company. I've worked for various... hi.
...various companies over the years.
How did you get into doing this? How did you start?
Doing what I do? There are lots of ways, really.
Are you thinking of doing it?
I wouldn't mind, actually. It looks like quite good fun.
- Does it? - Yeah. Quite interesting.
Right. This next exercise is all about forward planning
and team work.
I'm going to put you into pairs for this.
So um... Gareth, if you can go with Tim.
Oh, god!
Yea all right smart ass I wouldn't want to be stuck with you in a situation either.
What?A situa...what?
Who would you rather be with on a desert island with some whittling wood and berries?
Daley Thompson.
Ok. Let me give you the problem.
A farmer - not pictured -
has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox,
and he needs to get them from once side of the river, to the other.
but - and here's the rub -
his boat is only big enough to take one item at a time.
So I want you to work out in what order he takes them across the river.
- Remember... - 5 minutes, ok?
He can't take the fox first because then the chicken will eat the seed.
Ok. He can't take the grain first because you cant leave the fox and the chicken together.
Fox and the chicken together? Bloodbath.
Yeah, I know. He can't leave the chicken with the grain.
Er, hello? I'm a chicken. Thank you Tim for leaving me with my favourite food.
I'm saying you can't do that.
How big is this chicken? The same size as a bag of grain?
- I don't know. Big chicken. - Yeah. How big?
Big. It's a super-chicken.
What's the farmer doing with a fox?
A fox is a farmer's worst enemy. He should just drown the fox in the river.
Gareth, it's a puzzle, you know? It's just a puzzle.
Yeah. Well, it's stupid. Doesn't mean anything.
What are we learning from this?
It's not about learning, it's just a problem to be solved.
- Put the grain on a wall. - There's no wall.
- There's always walls. - Not here there isn't.
What it's just nothing? It's just a farm and a river?
- Get his wife to help. - He ain't got a wife.
- All farmers have wives. - Not this one. He's Gay.
Well then he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?
- Then you'd take the grain next. - Then the grain.
He's got to take the chicken first,
so he can leave the fox with the grain.
- Shall I tell them? - No it's ok, I'll do it.
- They're more receptive to me. - It's straightforward. Ok. Right, everybody.
Here's the answer.
First he takes the chicken across, leaving the fox with the grain.
Then he comes back and takes the fox across, but he brings the chicken back with him.
Then he takes the grain across, leaves it with the fox,
and finally he comes back for the chicken, and he's done it.
- Now, I'm sure you all got the answer... - Easy.
Yeah, but you see the important thing here is that you were all working as a team.
Sorry. Gareth?
Yeah. Some questions.
I hope that what the exercise demonstrated was that it's vital
- that every member of a team... - follows a leader.
Well, sort of knows their place within that structure.
- Some may be leaders... - He knows best, or she.
- Whoever is in charge may be... - in a team of women, for example.
It may be women or men. Somebody, ultimately may be scoring the goals...
- can't stress that enough. - No. Of course. Absolutely.
- But, it doesn't matter weather you may not be the person who apparently... - unconditional trust...
...is returned in leadership.
It's important that you know your place and that you are supported by...
- maybe we should just move on... - move on.
To another stage. To another exercise.
What about this one?
What do we think might be the lesson here?
Dogs?
Say what you see, Gareth.
- Give a dog a bone. - I don't believe...he's not Roy Walker, Gareth.
All right then what is it?
Um if we pull together in the same direction, it's better for all of us.
Yeah they could be fighting over them bones.
They're not fighting, they're smiling.
In the picture, maybe, but in reality...
look, the point here is that if the team is focused on its objectives,
and those of the individual members,
it's easier for everyone to achieve their goals.
Exactly. Like the fable. You know the one when the dog's got a bone.
He goes down to the lake to get a drink and he sees his reflection.
and he goes, "that dog's got a better bone than mine. I think I'll have his as well."
And when he opens his mouth, to get the bone that's a reflection, he drops the real bone and he loses both.
And what's that got to do with this?
It's what Gareth was saying about if we've got our bones,
don't go for other people's bones because you'll lose yours.
What does that mean?
Oh, don't you know? I thought it was...
bones.
- I'm bored of this. I am so bored. - Yeah. So am I.
I don't mean this. I mean everything.
The job. I'm bored of the job. Sorry, Rowan, no disrespect.
- This is a waste of time. - I know how you feel.
Let's get on with this.
I can't take any more of this nonsense.
I can't take another boring call about spa white, index board at 230 a ton.
- 260. - No you're a twat, ok? Shut up.
Shut up. I'll give you my... we'll work out my notice.
I'm going. Goodbye.
He'll be fine.
A waste of time. All was a waste of time.
Oh, see? Pressure.
Not as easy as it looks.
Sometimes the experience outweighs the...
Sorry, David. Dawn.
I was just wondering now you've split up with Lee, would you like to come out for a drink with me?
I haven't split up with him.
No god..I know. I know. Yeah. I meant as a friend. I did mean as a friend.
Ok. See you later. Yeah.
Go and get the guitar.
I'll probably write a song about this one day.
we used to have a political reggae one called equality street.